Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
