I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think your dad took our porno
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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