when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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