How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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