Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We are all done wearing pants today
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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