I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
