Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
