My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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