Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
