I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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