my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We need to get me chipped asap
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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