Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
