im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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