My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
