If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If I die, sorry about rent.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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