I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
