Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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