Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How external is "for external use only"?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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