So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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