I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
