I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
