also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
