hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
