At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I puked a lego.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
