i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
