girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
