my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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