I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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