The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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