just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
