I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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