when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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