Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
sex in a hospital.. check
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
