I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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