Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
