my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize