When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
