yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
