The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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