My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
