And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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