someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
