i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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