I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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