Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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