Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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