i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm like, not good at living.
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