A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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