I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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