Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
