You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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