TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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