What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
