I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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