oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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