jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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