I heard we made out
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
