Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
