hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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