3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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