I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
